Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

Title: Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

Author: Judith Martin

Number of Pages: 836

Last Published Date: 2005

Favorite Sentence: “She does not allow rude people to spoil her life, but she does not seek satisfaction in spoiling theirs.”

The Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior is a tome of an etiquette guide for the DOs and DON’Ts for public and private life, with emphasis on how we should carry ourselves when interacting within society. The entire book is a collection of Dear Miss Manners questions and her replies which works very well for presenting an etiquette question with a suitable, succinct answer. The information is organized based on subject with nearly every milestone of life pressed upon. The original publication date was 1979 and the version I own was last updated in 2005.

Throughout the 800+ pages that make up this book, it’s clear the one rule to rule them all is be courteous with family, friends, and strangers alike. This is the message in this and other etiquette books I’ve read. Etiquette is sometimes misjudged as being outdated and nothing more than stiff rules and snooty behavior, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, there are rules, but the rules are intended to make others comfortable when interacting. Thus, for everyone to be on the same page about how to properly act in situations without causing others discomfort or embarrassment, rules or guidelines for behavior are required. Rules for etiquette have always been in a continual process of evolution as the decades and customs for the times changes, but they’re not made to make others feel inferior. At the heart of etiquette, is the golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated.

Growing up I was taught some rules of etiquette, mostly to do with table manners and saying please and thank you, but much of etiquette has fallen so out of favor that most of us don’t know the proper way to send a letter or which utensils to use at a formal dinner. I assume there are still classes taught on this stuff but it’s not something I’ve ever attended nor anyone I know has attended. An argument could be made that etiquette and societal rules were too constricting before so most were slowly lost or chipped away until they were no longer recognizable, but we may have overcorrected. Undoubtedly, I can agree that I shouldn’t have to wait to be formally introduced to someone before I can “know their acquaintance” but the modern-day thinking that many of us share where what I want is all that matters and to screw everyone else is nothing more than rudeness, selfishness, and egotism disguised as truthfulness and self-respect. We may have thrown the baby out with the bath water and it’s time to refill the tub.

The more society moves away from common goodness and consideration for each other, the worst the interactions with our fellow humans will suffer. It’s hard and sometimes feels impossible to be courteous and respectful of others when they aren’t playing by the same rules, but if we try, we may be able to slowly build up a kinder, more refined society. My entire purpose of studying etiquette for this SoC was to improve myself and to learn and understand rules our peers from prior eras had to follow in hopes some of the good stuff would rub off on me. I’ve also had a curiosity and fascination with the old rules when reading classic novels or watching Jane Austen movies come to life, but I quickly learned that etiquette is less about following the rules to avoid self-embarrassment and more about knowing the rules to avoid letting others be embarrassed.

I found the introduction to Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior be a very enjoyable read. It’s witty, topical, insightful, and written in that dry kind of humor that speaks truth. The rest of the book was similar with statements and answers given to mold the reader into a more patient, courtesy person. My goal with opening this book and writing the essay below is to remind myself to act better in my dealings with others. This is a simple goal, and yet a highly challenging task. No doubt I will have bad moments and bad days where annoyance and frustration will take over, but my intention is to continually improve.

Below are some of my favorite learnings and tidbits from Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior along with my opinions and interpretations on some. As with any book of this size, it would be impossible for me to summarize every rule so I’d suggest others read the book for themselves if they’re interested in this type of thing.

Note: I will use MM as shorthand for Miss Manners

On Rudeness and Anger:

Do not fight rudeness with rudeness or try and put down other people. MM doesn’t allow others rudeness to affect her life. Instead, be assertive or curt to express your displeasure or to end the conversation.
What shall you do with one’s justified anger to others rudeness? Give them a withering look or a cold voice.
What does one do when someone gives a rude opinion or insults you with a mean remark? The reply to such is a frosty “How kind of you to point that out.” This allows one to point out others rudeness without yourself being rude.
“Nor is rudeness an effective form of self-defense. It only inspires more rudeness, and still, the bigger child wins”
MM suggests fighting rudeness with politeness. I believe if one can get past their hurt ego at overt rudeness, whether justified or unjustified, and respond with level-headedness then the odds of a happy ending should increase exponentially. This is something much easier said than acted upon since it can be insanely difficult to keep one’s cool and have perspective on the situation in the heat of the moment.
When people play audio or music loudly in a public space, MM says it’s rude to tell them to turn it off or stop and instead suggests you tell management, but I’m not sure that I agree. Some time ago I was watching a movie in a theatre with the large, recliner seats which makes it hard to notice others around you (a huge benefit) but the man on my left kept pulling his phone out and doing God knows what. The bright white screen distracted me each time until I leaned over and politely asked him to put it away which he did without question and no further contact between us was had nor needed. I did wonder if I was rude for the request, but I believe I was clearly in the right in that situation and assume he may not have known he was causing a distraction to others. It’s generally best to blame rudeness on ignorance rather than malice (even though we’re all told to put away our phones before the start of the movie). Perhaps the theatre should now tell us to put them away and keep them there until the lights come back on.

MM on Courtesy and Taking Offense:

A question was posed on holding the door for women at work. A man held the door for his coworker and the lady retorted “I’ve got two good hands”. MM states “Deliberately interpreting an obviously kindly meant courtesy as an insult is something Miss Manners classifies as a high crime. The society really does not need vigilantes to go around stamping out the pitifully few remaining attempts to be polite”. She goes on to say that men shouldn’t hold doors for women at work unless the woman has her hands full or something and if he performed the act to “show gallantry to a lady, his courtesy was misplaced”.

My thoughts: women can’t have it both ways. We can’t be mad when a man holds the door for us then complain when men don’t assist when they see us struggling to carry something. I see door holding as a common courtesy and do it for others, men and women. I may not want it all the time, particularly when someone is holding a door open and I’m still more than a few feet away as I feel like I have to rush so as not to inconvenience him. Otherwise, I believe it’s polite in almost all cases and don’t interpret it as a man thinking I’m incapable or lesser, and in fact the man is somewhat inconveniencing himself for my benefit which one could see as being the opposite of looking down on me.

MM on people becoming upset or offended when someone tries to be polite or kindly in acts but missing the mark or not understanding why their act may be an unintentional insult: “but it is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one’s own preferences.” We should try and be less offendable.
MM asks why using a feminine word for a title or descriptor (such as actresses or hostesses) is considered offensive in some circles and suggests that if a change is needed more female titles should be established, rather than making the male ones universal. “It strikes her that using only masculine title says symbolically that these are jobs for gentlemen, although they may now be filled by ladies, where using both puts the factor of gender with the job-holder, rather than the job itself which should be gender neutral.”

I fail to understand why using a female-version of a job is offensive when it’s simply a descriptor, and instead believe in doing so we are telling society that the “female” version of the word is lesser which is why it should be abandoned. Such words and actions could be interpreted as having the opposite effect by implying women can only be equal to a man’s position if we abandon the acknowledgement that we’re female as calling ourselves female in a job title is lesser than a man’s title.

MM believes that some small lies are permitted to avoid offending others, such as listening to boring conversations. “The virtue of truth-telling does not always trump the necessity for kindness.”
“Alone against all other personal-behavior wisdom of the era, etiquette shouts ‘Don’t express it! Never mind if you’ll feel better if you let it all out…’”. In stressful situations it is best to go with pleasing and apologies and the consideration of others than excuses for bad behavior.
Our societal courtesy to others has diminished and it’s as if it’s no longer a virtue to care about others feelings unless they offer something to you in return. People seem to no longer know how to be polite to others, handle themselves, or act in public. MM rules: no talking, eating, rustling of papers, or prolonged coughing during an opera. I’d also include the symphony or other public venues like the movie theatre (though eating gets a pass in a movie theatre). I assume she’d also now include a rule about not checking your phone.

MM on Basic Civilization:

MM on Revenge and Reputation: “The concept that they (young people) find difficult to believe is that we didn’t once admire people who made mistakes. We didn’t praise them for their courage and pronounce them all the better for having had the chance to learn from experience and declare that it would be unfair to penalize them because everybody deserves a fresh start, even those who have been given fresh starts before.” In times past, those “called ‘courageous’ were the ones who didn’t fall into error, and who performed their ordinary duties as human beings-what we call a “hero” nowadays when such a person is called to our attention.” MM does not want to bring back condemning people based on their reputation, as there was once a time when people were able to start fresh or move away but because of cyberspace, a true escape or restart are no longer an option. “She still believes the way people have lived their lives is the best indication of who they are, and that society should register its disapproval of bad behavior. But it strikes her that the new method of taxing people with their faults has not only retained but magnified its own faults.”

Cancel culture can now not only negatively impact someone from receiving a dinner invite, but because of what someone may have said decades ago can be spun and reinterpreted under today’s sensibilities, causing them to lose a job and be virtually unemployable with no escape to start over somewhere new. We should have grace with others and be understanding of mistakes, but also try and hold those accountable when true misdeeds are committed.

MM really wants us to go back to writing letters for our correspondence and she provides the multiple rules on when, with what, and how. I’m not sure how people wrote letters so well as I believe I’d have to cross out or start over multiple times when forming my first sentences.
MM talks about tipping being out of control. I wonder what she’d think about it nowadays as it’s only become more widespread. MM states that “tipping in un-American as American workers at all levels were too dignified to accept tips” and suggests society refuse to succumb and all full salaries should be included in the prices charged.
I knew it was wrong to wear white to a wedding, but I did not know it was also against the rules to wear black as black is for mourning (which I was aware of), but black is so prevalent now that I was surprised to learn it’s not appropriate for a wedding.
A question was posed on “sidewalk selfishness” and it’s not surprising, but also unfortunate to learn that people have been hogging the sidewalks for decades instead of sharing the limited space and walking single file when someone passes.
Etiquette is not only about making other people feel comfortable, but it is about having a duty towards others and acting civilly which includes polite ways to say “no” other than a simple “no, thank you”. Other ways to politely say no:
- “I’m afraid I’m not taking on anything else right now.”
- “I’m sure it’s wonderful, but I’m not going to have any.”
- I’m sorry, but that’s not something I can help you with.”
- “I didn’t realize what this involved, and I think I’d better bow out.”
- “I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t.”
- “I’d love to, but I’m afraid it’s impossible.”
- “Unfortunately, I can’t but I hope you can find someone.”
- Offer an apology but not an excuse.
In a section titled Public Exposure, MM states “surely a major cause of antisocial acts these days is the hope of being widely recorded”. As this book was last published in 2005, I wonder what MM would have to say about today’s obsession with becoming famous, even at the possible detriment to themselves, others, or society at large. MM suggests this indecent interest is because of a general feeling of anonymity in the world since we don’t know our neighbors and our social circle is shrinking (even more so now). It’s been said by others, but technology has made it possible to communicate with almost anyone at any time, and yet we feel more alone than ever.

MM on Relationships:

MM on marriage experts: “It is just that Miss Manners has witnessed so many cycles in which solutions to social problems were trumpeted, tried, and then trounced that she pictures all experts as members of the same guild, taking turns keeping their profession going and the public entertained by alternately issuing alarming warnings and counter warnings.” MM is against “frank, open communication” in marriage and instead suggests being nice to your spouse. In summary, don’t share every negative thought you have about your spouse with them.
Written in 1854, Nathanial Hawthorne’s essay, Fire Worship, lamented about the family fireplace being replaced with the stove and his predicted societal change with the decentering of the fireplace. He wrote how domestic life “will seek its separate corners and never gather itself into groups”. Much of his worries have occurred and for many families the technological advances have only increased our separation. I imagine families once gathered around the fireplace every evening for warmth and light, perhaps playing games, reading, or enjoying individual hobbies such as knitting. There is nothing stopping us today from continuing to do that and I’d theorize the television once served as the family fireplace, but as homes began to have multiple televisions and eventually computers and phones, a family fireplace is absent in the majority of households. For many of us, we’re becoming more insular and the lack of strong family and friendly ties are negatively affecting our mental health. I’d like to see more personal communities flourish and evolve.
MM talks about how we romanticize the courtship of the past. I know I’ve felt this way when I read literature from the past or watch movies set in the in the 50s or earlier. There seemed to be more rules, but these rules led to an easier understanding of how the sexes should interact to build a romance. I’m thinking of dances and balls, chaperoned walks and the exchange of personal items (like a class ring or letterman jacket). MM recognizes the eras of the past had a very structured courtship, but that it also allowed no friendship to bloom between the sexes and sometimes led to forces marriages “from which there was no escape, ever” when compared to today where intimacy happens at any stage and there’s no courtship.

I would not want to go back to the days where I was expected to pick a husband at the age of nineteen, but I believe we’ve swung too far in the other direction where the most intimate of acts is expected between virtual strangers. With the decrease of marriage and the increase of situationships, it would be nice to find a happy medium.

“It was obviously a mistake for them to do away with society’s mechanisms for throwing single people together so they could meet on their own without the help of community activities, social dances…” I do wish we had more opportunities outside of school and work for young people to meet without a bar and for older people and couples to interact. I suggest we bring back lounges and dance halls.
“Miss Manners has always believed jealousy to be a waste of time. She has never known anyone to be better off for having it.” MM states if you must have jealousy then at least direct it towards the correct person (the lover instead of the love rival, the company instead of the promotion-receiver).

Where I disagree is her opinion that evidence obtained by snooping is unethical. That may be so, but if one suspects an affair and their lover denies it, how can one find the truth? Snooping is wrong when there’s no cause for it, but in my opinion is justified if evidence of cheating is found. One could argue that if you’ve reached a point where snooping is necessary or warranted then the relationship is already damaged.

“Ladies and gentlemen do not threaten each other, and they do not attempt to force themselves on each other when they do not seem to be welcome”. “But she does promise that no one was ever inspired to fall back in love because of a campaign of unrelenting persistence, or because of a threat of suicide, murder or financial ruin.”
“You wouldn’t want me to pretend to something I don’t really feel, would you?” Her answer is “Why, yes. Please.” “What the world needs is more false cheer. And less honest crabbiness”.
MM discusses love in response to a question where the guest asks, “Does anyone still fall in love?” when acknowledging the differences between one-night stands and courtship. Since the nearly twenty years since my version of this book was published, I believe this question has become even more debatable as relationships seem harder to obtain and maintain for the average person. In her answer, MM mentions a book entitled Love written by Stendhal in the 1700s which I’ve added to be To-Be-Read list.

MM on Hosting:

MM provides a vivid description of how to have a “teatime” and I’m all for it. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced nor do I know anyone else who has, but hosting an afternoon tea seems delightful (though I have none of the supplies or many friends that could pop on over on a Tuesday at 4). I do wish hosting was more popular and once-again in vogue so perhaps I’ll have to take the first step and host my own. MM’s outfit for “informal” tea consists of a flowered dress, pearls, gloves and picture hat. How I do love how people used to dress compared to today (I’m including myself in that).
MM gives explicit steps and requirements for hosting a formal dinner party and again, this is something I’d love to attend or attempt though I’m not sure about employing footmen but it sounds helpful.
MM disparages potlucks, but I find them to be a perfectly fun event for socializing and easing the duties and responsibility of the host.
MM is happy cocktail parties and charity balls have nearly disappeared as she doesn’t like charity balls unless they are treated more like private balls for their guests. All I can think of is the balls in Pride and Prejudice and wish they were still an option. It’s a sadness to me that we are no longer taught formal dancing and not given any options to practice and perform with our peers in a social setting. I’d love to see this make a revival.

Interesting Etiquette Rules:

MM lists the rules and ways to wear gloves. I highly doubt society will ever go back to wearing gloves and hats but it would be nice to have some more formality and fun in how we dress. I suppose those who were encouraged by society to wear gloves felt the exact opposite but as with most things, we’ve swung too far in the opposite direction.
Women are not expected to take off hats when indoors unless it’s within her own house as it implies she has somewhere better to be.
You’re supposed to eat asparagus with your hands (one of the few foods permitted).
I had never heard of a “ladies menu” where restaurants had a separate menu without prices for when women on dates.
During the national anthem civilians should position right hand over heart and military in uniform should salute. Men must remove hats and place hand-over-heart and we’re not supposed to clap after, which is the opposite of what I believed to be true.
You do not have to answer unannounced visitors or callers.
If someone burps, they should excuse themselves and the subject is considered closed. If someone farts in your presence, neither party should acknowledge.
We’re not supposed to wear white shoes from September thru April, but cream-colored shoes are permitted
When MM is pressed for a single piece of advice for breaking into society she responds with a simple “Don’t bother”.
MM really pushes hard for hand-written letters, as opposed to printed or engraved, for most invitations and responses. I don’t foresee this ever coming back in fashion, especially since many are no longer taught cursive and proper penmanship is not a necessity as before. However, I wouldn’t be against a resurgence of letter writing with simple ink and paper.
When pressed for a New Year’s resolution, MM suggests “expecting the mechanics of life to work smoothly” such as your order being right or the car ahead of you to start when the light changes. One will then be deprived of nothing but frustration. I think this is a very charming and smart resolution.