Title: A Guide to the Manners, Etiquette, and Deportment of the Most Refined Society
Author: John H. Young
Number of Pages: 424
Original Published Date: 1879
Favorite Sentence: “Can any one fancy what our society might be, if all its members were perfect gentlemen and true ladies, if all the inhabitants of the earth were kind-hearted; if instead of contending with the faults of our fellows we were to wage war against our own faults?”
I bought the book A Guide to the Manners, Etiquette, and Deportment of the Most Refined Society (GMED) second-hand through an online book retailer nearly four years ago when I was on a Regency-era romance novel reading kick. During my readings of books written during that time (and many published in the 1990s but set in the Regency period of the early 1800s), I began to fall in love with the descriptions of the beautiful dresses and the manners that society prevailed upon itself during that time. I was fascinated with the stark change in the many rules and customs from the past compared to our current time, so I ordered a handful of Victorian and Regent-era etiquette guides as a way to take a glimpse into the past.
I try not to romanticize the past too much and don’t desire a direct return to it as our modern conveniences such as indoor plumbing, having food aplenty, modern medicine, and equal rights, makes this a far superior time period to live in. However, I would be lying if I didn’t yearn for some of the formality to reappear or at least poke its head in every now and then. It’s not only the formality of the dress I adore, but also the social ties and the socializing amongst peers seemed to be stronger and more plentiful. The scarcity of the latter appears to be a more modern phenomenon and could simply be a result of how we communicate. Before telephones made separated people able to communicate in an instant, one may have needed a messenger to send a letter or leave their calling card to set up a time to meet in person. Today we can instantly chat with anyone so face-to-face meetings are not needed to the same degree.
It would be disingenuous if I assumed that because these etiquette rules were written down and encouraged by many in society that the society of the past was some sort of utopia free from rudeness and incivility. In GMED’s introduction it reads: “In a society where the majority are rude from the thoughtfulness of ignorance, or remiss from the insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule, “Do unto others, as they do unto you,” is more often put into practice than the golden one.” That doesn’t seem so different from today. There’s an ideal way for society to conduct itself, then there’s the truth of what actually occurs.
What I learned through reading GMED is that although etiquette rules for proper dress (“the material for a dress for a drive through the public streets of a city, or along a fashionable drive or park, cannot be too rich”), interacting with others (“interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when waking with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his progress”), and socializing (“a gentleman must not offer to shake a lady’s hand until she has made the first movement but she should bow when introduced”), was an important part of etiquette in society, it was not the purpose. The purpose was to create a more civilized society where the consideration of others feelings was of paramount importance.
Similar to both Miss Manners and Better than Beauty, which I previously wrote essays about, GMED also highlights kindness towards others as being the mark of a true gentleman or lady and is repeated as a maxim throughout the book. All of these etiquette guides agree on the same thing: treat others how we would want them to treat us, be kind to our neighbors, and civil to our enemies. Simple, but not easy. But unlike those other etiquette books I read, GMED was written during the Victorian age, and possesses rules, advice, and beauty recipes that neither could nor would be acceptable today and some of those I’ve highlighted below.
Surprising to me, given the time period this was written, were some of the adages and advice given to women as self-reliance, education, and gainful employment were encouraged in this book. When traveling alone it is recommended that women accept help when needed but “women should learn to be as self-reliant as possible”. Women should avoid having a domineering fiancé, and perhaps most importantly, “Even where women have independent fortunes, their lives will be all the happier if they have been trained to some occupation, that, in case of reverses, may be made a self-sustaining one.” I half-expected the description of women in this book to be all about hosting parties, dressing for balls, and catering to their family, but it offers far more than that. Some parts in the book discuss women studying certain subjects so they can better take care of the house and children, but the book painted a slightly different picture for the time period than I was expecting.
An entire chapter is devoted to Women’s Higher Education (there is no chapter on Men’s Higher Education) where it’s written “It is frequently the case, that a girl’s education ends just as her mind is beginning to mature and her faculties are beginning to develop. Her education ends when it ought to properly to begin.” Women are again encouraged to become educated for either self-improvement or employment if needed. Part of this chapter advocates for women to seek out a subject of study if only to keep them from idleness and ignorance and avoid “the spirit of evil”, but the book does also advance the notion that women should have a “spirit of independence” so they can take care of themselves.
Below I’ve listed some of the amusing and interesting guidance from GMED that may still be helpful (or not) for today’s society:
Color Theory: the book discusses Color Theory starting on page 341. I hadn’t realized Color Theory had been around for 200+ years, but choosing the correct colors for your skin tone can make a big difference in how you appear, and speaking for myself, I feel more confident in certain colors and have learned to avoid the ones that clash or wash me out. I only wish I had learned this lesson earlier and avoided purchasing clothes with hues that don’t suit me well. Not everything regarding Color Theory in the book may be true still today or even helpful for myself, but overall, I’d say most of the suggestions are sound advice.
“One color should predominate in the dress; and if another is adopted, it should be in a limited quantity and only by way of contrast or harmony. Some colors may never, under any circumstances, be worn together, because they produce positive discord to the eye.”
The colors that may never be together are: red and blue, red and yellow, blue and yellow, and scarlet and crimson. “Scarlet and solferino [which I learned is a purplish hue] are deadly enemies, each killing the other whenever they meet.”
Black, white, and drab (I never knew drab was an actual color, and not simply an adjective for dull) can be worn with any other colors according to GMED.
For which colors women should wear, the book suggests one chooses their most flattering colors based on the color of their hair. This is probably a decent way to simplify a concept in a book, but as a brunette I’m advised to wear “bright colors, such as scarlet and orange, to bring out the brilliance tints…”, yet orange is one of the least-flattering colors I could wear.
Courtship: Unlike other countries, in America the matter of courtship and proposal is left entirely up to the young people themselves. The book writes that some authorities believe that the permissions of parents should be obtained before a daughter is proposed marriage, but “it seems at least pardonable if the young man should prefer to know his fate directly from the lips of the most interested party…”.
However, that doesn’t mean that young people, especially woman, were free to choose who they associate with. “Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the character of their daughter’s associates, and they should exercise authority so far as not to permit her to form any improper acquaintances”. One reason daughters should avoid some men was to limit the possibility of her falling in love with an ineligible bachelor.
Self-improvement and self-care: “As culture is the first requirement of good society, so self-improvement should be the aim of each and all of its members.”
GMEB writes that children and adults should work to improve their memory so they can make good conversationalists and suggests writing an essay on recently-attended lectures or sermons to improve memory. Also, advices writing down one’s thoughts to acquire using correct language.
“Perhaps the greatest cause of misery and wretchedness in life is idleness.”
There is a chapter titled Toilet Recipes which contains recipes for all sorts of skin conditions and treatments such as removing freckles, acne, ringworm, and dozens or others skin issues. Many of these recipes require ingredients we may have in our kitchen today such as olive oil and eggs, and a lot of ingredients can still be found in modern skin care products such as rose water and glycerin. I’m tempted to try some of the recipes for smoother skin on myself (one recipe is simply glycerin and rose water), but using them consistently would be more inconvenient since they don’t contain preservatives and would therefore need to be constantly created, unlike shelf-stable modern skin care products.
One of the recipes for hair loss uses rosemary oil which studies have shown actually is as effective as minoxidil (Rogaine) for hair loss so someone long ago figured out rosemary oil legitimately works, unlike another recipe in this book for wrinkle removal. In one of those recipes, the user is to melt myrrh, cover their head with a napkin and hold the fumes at a distance. Can’t say I’ve tried that, but I’m confident it won’t give me a more youthful glow.
Believed male baldness was caused by the wearing of hats, particularly silk dress hats.
Stated that eyelashes could be “lengthened by trimming them occasionally in childhood.”
To close, I’ll share the final maxim from George Washington’s Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company which was quoted in GMEB: “Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.”
This little book doesn’t just have agreed upon societal rules of etiquette, but also encourages self-respect, self-reliance, good moral character, and living a life with purpose. My weeks of self-study on etiquette has shown me that it’s less about the rules of which fork to use, how to host an afternoon tea, or the hierarchy of introductions, and more about making others comfortable and treating everyone with kindness. That is etiquette.