Title: Better than Beauty: A Guide to Charm
Authors: Helen Valentine & Alice Thompson
Number of Pages: 160
Original Published Date: 1938
Favorite Sentence(s): “Charm is much like a beautiful dress. It can be acquired. But it means very little unless the personality it covers is clean and properly cared for.“
Better than Beauty-A Guide to Charm (what I will be referring to as BTB in this post) is just what it claims to be, a guidebook on cultivating charm in the reader’s life. Charm isn’t directly defined in the book, but it’s clear that BTB’s purpose in promoting charm is to allow one’s physical attributes and external qualities provide the background to allow the “important inner quality of warmth and friendliness” to be expressed. Originally published in 1938, I was expecting some very outdated advice that would make a modern reader cringe, but other than a few minor areas, it wasn’t all too different than what I’d assume a modern etiquette coach would teach to students today. The two authors, Helen Valentine and Alice Thompson, surprised me with a zinger on the dedication page. “We dedicate this little book to two women who undoubtedly could profit by reading it. To A.T. and H.V.” I thought that was contrary to charm, but then I understood they were talking about themselves and appreciated the self-awareness to make such a comment.
BTB is broken down into two parts: WHAT YOU DO TO YOURSELF and WHAT YOU DO TO OTHERS. The purpose of Part One is specifics about perfecting your outer beauty.
Skin Care-the authors claim only two things are needed for healthy skin: a healthy diet, and twice-a-day skin cleaning using either soap and water or a cream cleanser. Moisturizer is not mentioned though they do state if you have very dry skin then to add a light coating of cream after the rinse. I understand this advice was written in the 1930s before sunscreen was offered to the general public and I do appreciate a simple skin care routine, but I’d assume most dermatologists today would recommend a moisturizer and daily sunscreen as other “musts” for skincare. For myself, I won’t leave the house without sunscreen during daylight hours. Cold creams have fallen mostly out of favor, but I do enjoy Ponds cold cream for removing makeup on the skin.
Makeup: it’s suggested that every woman wear makeup since “she will look colorless among her brightened-up sisters” but they do recommend keeping the makeup natural looking. Much of the specifics of what and how to apply aren’t all that different from today: foundation, powder, blush, rouge to the cheeks, lipstick, brow pencil if you have fair eyebrows, and if you desire to be “devasting, mascara on your eyelashes won’t hinder you”. Pretty much the basics eighty years later. More products have since been added, but we’re still following the basic template from the past. I can’t get on board with heavy powder as it tends to dry my skin out and I prefer a more dewy look, but the advice given is accurate in my untrained mind.
Hair: this is where things demonstrate how we’ve changed. Wash hair when dirty (once or twice a week), but they then advise that any soap you use on your body, you can also use on your hair, and to “melt your soap in water first to make a liquid shampoo”. Hard no for me as I can’t imagine using typical bar soap on my hair. Conditioner is never mentioned, but if you need to get that last bit of shampoo out of your hair they recommend you can use lemon juice or vinegar. I can understand why they only needed to wash their hair once or twice a week (without the luxury of dry shampoo) as it would take my hair a week to recover from being stripped. Perhaps I’m being naïve and I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe “big shampoo” has swindled me into washing and conditioning my hair more often so they can sell me more soap. I’m also wondering if the hairstyles and stylish hats they wore benefitted from their use of hard shampoo and lack of conditioner or if it was one because of the other.
Posture: “Learn to walk as through someone were about to spank you.” Basically, keep your hips in, head high, but not too high, and walk straight. They make a point of stating that most women don’t have the luxury of time like they did in the past to forge their posture by walking around with books on their head. Posture is funny, because until it becomes natural, it’s something that doesn’t get fixed until your mind reminds you.
Weight: watch your weight but don’t constantly talk about it with others. They suggest if under the age of thirty it’s better to be slightly overweight, and underweight as you get older for a better chance of health and long life. However, the average weight chart in the book doesn’t show women losing weight as they age. A chart with today’s average weights also doesn’t show a weight decrease as we age.
Alter your weight when your clothes are no longer becoming. They suggest losing no more than two pounds a week and no shortcuts (pills) and recommend diet and exercise and keeping “bowels open”. 1500 calories a day is recommended and women should avoid chocolate soda. I found a recipe for chocolate soda and it seems to be a combination of a milk shake and carbonated water. I must try it.
Too thin is not attractive so “try to cover the bones”. A quote from the book which is still applicable today “Don’t fret about unimportant things, one of which is your weight”. People on average were considerably thinner back then compared to today but the quote goes to show that few of us then, the same as today, are comfortable with what the scale reads. Included are a few exercises with illustrations but they look to be more like stretches and most likely won’t raise your heartbeat much.
Smell: much is written about smelling clean and fresh, but I rarely notice bad odor on anyone in an office setting and only extremely rarely when out elsewhere in public. They mention the use of antiperspirants and deodorants (and dress shields which is again something new to me). Also, it’s advised to apply deodorants to sanitary pads which I’m betting most, if not all, gynecologists would call a no-no today as you’re only asking for irritation. Many sanitary pads come scented today and tampons weren’t mass produced until a decade after this book was written, but I suspect if they had been, the authors would have recommended their use.
Chic: a French word that has no equivalent in English is “the visual aspect of charm”. A woman I’d define as who is put together and effortlessly composed. This is where the discussion about wardrobe begins.
Wardrobe/Hats: I can’t recall a time when I’ve worn a hat in any setting besides keeping the sun out of my face or keeping my head warm. A quick search informs me that hats fell out of fashion for a bevy of reasons with the major factor being the rationing of materials during WWII, the rise of hair products, and later the pushback of formality. As this book was written in the 1930s, hats were still a popular and seemed to be a major and noticeable part of your wardrobe that could easily make you look unfashionable if the wrong hat was worn.
Wardrobe for women seemed to consist of only dresses, coats and skirts. There is no mention of pants and I imagine the authors would cringe if jeans were brought into the discussion. It’s a blessing that we have far more variety in how we dress today, but many of us look like we’re always running to the 7-11 to fill up a Big Gulp (this is me) as our daily attire. I’ve started to incorporate more dresses in my daily wear and find many of them to be more comfortable and less “pinchy” in places then my usual jeans and tank top outfits I spent much of my 20s and 30s in. To avoid a wardrobe faux pas, the authors suggest sewing lingerie loops into the shoulders of the dresses to keep slips (another thing that seems to have disappeared) and bra straps from showing.
In the end, the goal of putting effort into grooming yourself, smelling lovely, donning well-fitting and flattering clothes, is to make you feel confident so you’ll be less self-conscious when you meet and interact with others. “A woman who spends considerable time and thought on putting herself together-and then forgets about it when she’s finished” and once you’re ready to go, “Look before you leave” then forget about it and put your grooming out of your mind and walk with confidence.
Part II
First impressions: make a favorable surface impression with all you’ve learned in Part One, then allow your “intelligence and your integrity get in their good work”. This is where you let your personality shine. Worry little about the strict etiquette rules as the only bad manners are “those which are unkind or which contribute to another person’s discomfort” (similar sentiment to other etiquette books I’ve read).
- Genuinely smile and laugh when you enjoy something.
- Mind your tone of voice.
- Listen when others talk and don’t interrupt (even when that conversation is less than stimulating).
- Don’t burden casual acquaintances with your troubles.
- Keep your stories relevant, omit the unimportant details, and don’t go off on tangents.
The authors’ definition of a good conversation: “Assemble good ingredients, mix and spice with your own thinking, and serve attractively”. They even mention one should read the news but keep on the lookout for propaganda. I know propaganda has always existed, but for some reason I thought waning trust in the news was a more recent phenomenon.
It’s not your I.Q.: this is where the most insightful portion of the book begins. An imaginary Betty B. is introduced who is described as having little to add to her college’s academic reputation, but is well-loved by her peers because of her “consideration, loyalty, sweetness, and sympathy”, scarce qualities that make Betty B. likeable. “She could dance gaily with the poorest dancer in the school, and never make a grimace at the stagline. She could think of just the right words to say to a self-conscious girl to make that girl bloom.” Betty B. made others feel good. The authors describe it as “applied kindness” (an idea I adore) which can be learned by others. This is the type of imitative action I should ruminate on. Making others feel good, actually feels good, so why don’t I work harder at this? Yes, it’s hard to smile when someone grimaces, ignores you, or rolls their eyes at you and it’s difficult to see someone’s positive traits when they’ve cut you in line or act obnoxiously in public, but this is what I want to work on to better myself. Perhaps with practice, lots of effort, and loads of patience, I could be a Betty B. Patience and kindness with others will require physical effort from me, but I can work to strengthen that muscle.
Additional tips for interacting with other:
- Say “thank you” to those who help you in any way throughout your day. To your “telephone operator, your stenographer, your maid, your laundress…”. We could modernize this list by including your delivery driver, your cashier, and your waiter.
- Avoid becoming “pseudojudicial” which is another way to say “don’t gossip”.
- Ask for clarification in necessary situations to avoid embarrassing yourself or others.
- Remember that “we’re all just a group of human beings trying to live together”.
Realism and Charm: the last section of the book goes over some social situations and how to make the most of them to not offend or annoy others. The writers also touch on money matters and the affects having a love affair may have one one’s life. The parts I felt had the best advice were in treating others well in all settings and knowing the person you truly are (especially as you get older).
- Remember what is felt like to be the new person in a crowded room and how scared and awkward you may have felt. Take that into consideration when others are the new person and welcome them into your conversations and make them at ease. “Just remember what you wished other people had done for you-then do it.“
- Don’t try and be the life of the party. It can be far more charming and beneficial for yourself and others to simply be the woman who makes others feel comfortable around her and will be remembered fondly. “Use your warmth, your imagination, your kindness; use your wit, too, as long as it is used kindly. The real life of the party is the person who has no time for consciousness of self.”
- Be grateful for a date that you’ve accepted even if it may be considered a ‘cheap date’. “You don’t need to have money spent on you as a token of prestige. Money should be merely the boundary line of an evening.“
- Know yourself, which includes knowing where and what you may lack and the person you really are. “Our true faults do not distort and spoil us. Our refusal to admit them, to accept ourselves as very inadequate human beings is ruinous.”
At the end of the day, charm is about being kind, friendly, and welcoming toward others. Making others comfortable without denigrating yourself is a healthy goal that can spread pleasantness in a world that is sadly lacking. Also, one wanting to enhance their charm should strive to remove their self-consciousness around others so they can be open and interested in others and less inside their own head.